I was in love last summer. I was in love with the moonlight as came down like a blanket atop the hood of classic cars. I was in love with the mist that would form at our feet as I hosed the ground before closing up the store. The breeze would blow in evenly through open windows and my hair would go all the way back. It felt like that summer would never end. And I got lost in the midst of really loud music and melting ice cream. Well that summer never really ended. When I close my eyes I am in the backseat again smelling like french fries and seeing the smoke float above me. I still am in love with all 27 stalls and the wrong amount of quarters and dimes. But things change. And yeah we all still hang out but I feel like an outsider when I used to feel like I was you and you could be me. We were all more indistinguishable with every passing minute. But now I feel like I'm staring down at you guys from high above and yeah we all still do the same things we once did but it stings with how different it is. I can feel the salt seeping into the lining of my face still. I don't know exactly how to fix it or even how to make everything be the way it used to be. But sometimes I feel like I'd give anything to be like that again. Sometimes I get texts like 2 hours late and maybe that's a sign that change doesn't have to be bad. That maybe I should be enjoying the wind when it's just a cool breeze. Maybe it doesn't have to be a rush to feel good.

Sometimes when I look at my hands they remind me of somebody else's hands. The way the fingers stretch out and then almost painfully retreat brings back some memories. I am not sure of what exactly but they look so familiar. Like I've seen them in someone else. I have been sleeping less than I would like but every time I am about to drift off I hear a buzz or beep that makes me get right back up. The other night my room was unbearably hot. Needless to say I did not get any sleep that night. I am having some trouble in my head with defining boundaries and reviewing relationships. I don't take other people's feelings into consideration much anymore. And I feel selfish because of it. Last Thursday I definitely broke some kind of rule and went out with a friend. We crossed the border to watch a movie and then got back to good old Laredo. When boredom kicked in we decided to go two towns over just for fun. They were small towns so the commute was about 3 hours each way but we really had a good time. The only reason this even registers as a problem is the secrecy. How every time his or my phone lit up it was bending the truth back to her. It's not that kind of relationship either way but I still feel it's got to be some kind of wrong if I can't tell her about it. The break is passing by a little bit quickly. I have had almost no free time because every time I put down my keys there is another call or something planned. I am leaving Monday to visit my aunt for a whole week. I am keeping my fingers crossed for it to be a good visit and not one that leaves me exhausted.

I am so sleepy.

I guess I have been more than a little vague when I write. Not because I don't want anyone to know who I'm writing about. Mostly because I think everyone knows who it is and it makes me kind of uncomfortable. Well, my sister was freaking out, thinking I was writing about a girl. Let me be clear, the person I usually write about is a man. or a boy. Really he never acts like anything more than a boy. Only sometimes his comments have so much depth they almost knock me off my feet. I guess I'll just give it a rest. There is another guy who has been fascinating me lately. I don't think he can even compare to ___ but he stands around making fries and giving me these little smiles. Of course there is nothing there because what I have in mind would definitely break some sort of girl code rule but he texts me at really odd times. I guess it makes me smile on days that have been kind of hard. Today I spent the afternoon chilling with my sister. And really, she makes me so happy. :) I remember afternoons spent listening to the radio and late night eating Doritos. I can't pinpoint exactly when things went wrong but I wish I'd have more sense and not fight so much. Because sometimes I get this nagging feeling that things could have been so much better for her if we weren't always fighting. Lately things have been going good. I've contemplated leaving my job countless times but i am too chicken to ever do anything about it. Like every time you'd get close I moved away. Not because of anything about you. Or me. Or the situation. Just because every time I'd feel your breath in my arms it would make me scared that this would be gone. And that you would be gone. And you are. So I guess I was right. Just that being right isn't always so good. It just feels like I'm being robbed when I stand near you. And you are taking something. When you leave you take a little bit of my smile and some of the shine in my eyes. I wouldn't be surprised if you were doing this on purpose either. Because it is so like you to do something like this. Just to see how long you can drag it on. Because you are the kind of person to want all of the attention. Or none of it. It usually depends on what day of the week we are in.